There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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