i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
