he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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