So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
