You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
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I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
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Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos