we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
