is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
