woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
