First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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