i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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