I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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