My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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