Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
4 words: hood of his car
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
