come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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