How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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