Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
