she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
These tits shall not be calmed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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