Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
then he tried to convert me to islam
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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