can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
