New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
