how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
