I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
