I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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