clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
