Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
