You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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