You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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