dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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