I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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