No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
