when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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