If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
