My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
