Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
