I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
