Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
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Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
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"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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