SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
