i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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