You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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