The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
