Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
