I accidentally burped into my bong.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
