I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
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I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
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So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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