i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
