I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She's JV to your varsity
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
