At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
