oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
