I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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