If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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