allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow