I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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