do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
