Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
