time to smoke my breakfast
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
