I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
